Belligerent Burritos

An examination of the leakage problem with Taco Bell burritos, and its effects upon the driver when his jeans suddenly absorb the hot bean/salsa liquid.

Though alcohol and drug abuse continue to cause thousands of accidents on the road each year, there is one drug that isn’t talked about, namely, the Taco Bell burrito. The bean/salsa goop that fills every Taco Bell burrito continues to cause more accidents each year than any other substance, especially when weak, cheap tortillas are used. This essay will (1) examine the leakage problem with Taco Bell Burritos, and its effects upon the driver when his jeans suddenly absorb the hot bean/salsa liquid, and (2) argue that Taco Bell needs to start using thicker tortillas and enforce a new burrito folding policy that will ensure that leakage shall stop.

An Examination of the Leakage Problem

Once the bean/salsa liquid begins dripping out, it’s only a matter of time before the goop dribbles down the hand and into the lap. Trying to plug the dripping spot in a Taco Bell burrito is like trying to put a band-aid over a crack in the Hoover Dam. You just can’t stop the flow. You’re better off just trying to get out of the way.

I used to be able to catch the bean leak before it landed on my lap, but during commuting hours, I’m concentrating on changing lanes, switching stations on my radio, sucking down my soda, holding my burrito in my right hand, shifting the gears with my right pinky, and then steering with my left knee. I don’t have the coordination to keep a close eye on a possible leakage problem.

So when the first drips land on the jeans, a funny warm sensation surrounds the lap area. And before you realize it, the bean goop is all over your seat belt, lap area, and possibly your t-shirt. The moment of realization is when the accidents happen, since the knee-jerk reaction to a bean leakage problem is to suddenly swerve to the right as you grab for napkins.

In order to help stop these accidents, I’d like to offer the following arguments to help the Taco Bell corporation in the design and distribution of their sacred burrito: (1) An Argument for stronger tortillas, and (2) An argument for better folding methods.

An Argument for Stronger Tortillas

I think Taco Bell must begin creating a stronger breed of tortilla. If we can genetically engineer various farm animals to become bigger and stronger, why can’t we engineer a stronger tortilla? Or is the tortilla not important enough? Is it because a tortilla is mostly affiliated with my Hispanic culture? Because that’s the message we’re getting. Apparently, our products aren’t worth the time and effort. They think that all we’ve contributed to the scientific advancement is our awesome hydraulic systems for our low-riders. But, you know what? We’ve done a lot more for America than make Chiclets gum in assorted colors. We’ve introduced the burrito, the forerunner to the American “Wrap” sandwich. Our tortillas deserve more scientific investigation, and hopefully through careful research, scientists will construct a burrito with a tortilla that won’t bust open.

Argument for Better Folding Methods

The strength of a tortilla, however, is only half of the solution. Taco Bell must also begin a new training seminar on how the burrito should be wrapped. Perhaps a website with flash animation showing how a burrito should be wrapped, or possibly even sending Taco Bell executives to give power point presentations on the new way of folding the burrito.

I can almost picture some motivational speaker getting up on a stage and giving practical strategies on how to visualize the perfect burrito. He could even bring some people from the audience on the stage, and have them walk on fire to help them feel empowered. Or perhaps they can get some philosophy professor from a local university to lecture on the platonic ideal of “burritoness.” If someone can visualize the perfect burrito, he can strive towards making it as much as possible.

Only with stronger tortillas and proper training in folding methods will a burrito be restrained from busting open at the bottom.

Brief Thoughts on Taco Bell Tacos

After a discussion on this problem with my friend Gabi, she suggested that Taco Bell create some sort of “Taco Cradle” to aid one in putting salsa in the taco. It’s always difficult putting salsa in a taco when there’s no good way of standing it up. You always have to lean it against something, and then grab the salsa package and tear it open with your fingers. If you can’t maintain a balance with your finger, the taco will fall over and there goes your cheese and lettuce. If such a cradle is designed, we would all have a much easier time with putting salsa on tacos.