Her Hand in Marriage

Not all of the principles and practices of courtship can be expressed in a few simple articles at an online magazine. Such a narrow collection of articles can state the milk of the issue – the key problems of the dating system and the countervailing solutions in courtship – and hopefully arouse a desire to understand what the most Biblical path to marriage is, but the meat, the real particulars of how courtship should be worked out, must be delivered through a written position of greater length. For this, I would highly recommend reading Her Hand in Marriage, by Douglas Wilson.

One of the reasons I enjoyed Mr. Wilson’s book so much is because he doesnt get caught up in a battle between dating and courtship as words. He realizes that these words have different connotations for different folks, and therefore if your arguments are tearing down or defending dating or courtship without hashing out the underlying principles, a lot of people will get pretty steamed. To some, dating brings to mind regrettable situations in the backseat of a car on some deserted road, and they don’t mind at all no matter how hard dating is slammed. But to others, dating is a symbol of a pure, loving path to a fruitful marriage, and attacks against dating are taken as attacks against all the wonder God intended for marriage. Likewise, courtship to some is all polite bows and uncomfortable dresses, completely devoid of any emotion or recognition of sexuality, and proponents of the position make them gag. Others, however, think of a system full of joy and passion, yet with protective barriers to keep young folk from acting foolishly, and they find advocates of courtship to be giving out drinks of cool, refreshing water. Doug Wilson sees what folly it would be to address dating and courtship as terms, so he first lays out fundamental building blocks of what he finds Scripture declares to be a proper route to marriage, and then he tentatively labels it Biblical courtship.

A couple of these basic building blocks of courtship are the authority of the father in the courtship process and the distinct roles of boys and girls in courtship. The authority of the father, Doug says, is intended to protect the father’s daughter and her suitor from a lack of wisdom in their relationship, and also to protect his daughter from falling in love with a fool. It is a natural and well-known fact that men will usually seek to get all they can physically in a relationship, as men’s spirits apart from Christ are bent toward wickedness. Women, on the other hand, were created to seek love from men as expressed through kind words and thoughtful actions, and not necessarily through sexual relations. So often what ends up occurring in a dating system is sexual sin. A woman gives in to the man’s hints and sleeps with him in hopes that it will deepen their relationship and he will love her more. But when the couple is accountable to her father and others, they can be kept in check. “I’ve heard that line before, Bub,” says the father. “In fact, I used it myself on her mother.” And thus sin is prevented by the wisdom of the father. Doug Wilson goes through the Old Testament showing the duty of a father to guide his daughter in this manner, and also to act as a protective barrier between her and suitors who she might otherwise be prone to falling in love with. He further notes that this shouldn’t be an excuse for fathers to assume a domineering role in courtship, but an impetus to serve their daughters in aiding on the path toward marriage.

Doug then goes on to explain the different roles of boys and girls in courtship. Men, he says, were created to initiate, and women were created to respond. Men are to assume the duties of wooing the women, and women are supposed to allow themselves to be swept off their feet by the men. This is the way God created males and females, Doug says, and it can be a glorious thing when people fear God in recognizing these differences, or it can be a catastrophic thing when people try to invert the rules. One of the duties of sons, therefore, is to take upon themselves the task of beginning the courtship. They are responsible to understand what marriage entails and the goals of courtship, and then they are to take the risk of asking the father of the girl they admire for permission to court her. This protects women from shallow men merely seeking an enjoyable relationship. Conversely, Doug says, women are responsible to refrain from attempting to initiate a relationship themselves. This can be done by wearing seductive clothing, always “happening” to be alone in the same room as a guy, or sometimes even by directly asking him out. Our modern system of recreational dating frequently twists the proper roles of men and women around, and the results are not pretty.

Mr. Wilson closes the book by providing some details about how courtship is practically worked out. Criteria for selecting a mate are discussed, the governmental implications of marriage are laid out, and ground rules for weddings are hammered down. While the principles of courtship and many of the details woven throughout the book are carefully backed by Scripture, these ending bits are so specific the Bible doesn’t speak directly to them. So Doug advises readers to exercise wisdom when working out these specifics. He warns that the methods of courtship should never take the place of an understanding of the principles involved. Rather, once a comprehension of the Bible’s teaching on the fundamental roles of everyone involved is reached, the proper methods will naturally follow as God guides His children in wisdom.

If you are looking for a sound exegesis of the principles that should govern a Biblical journey to marriage, or if you are seeking a delineation of some details to guide you or your children along the path, then read Doug Wilson’s book, Her Hand in Marriage. You’ll be glad you did.

Five hats off (on a scale of one to five, of course).

Related Links:
  ”Courtship: A Biblical Method,” by Kristen Knox
  ”Courtship and the Male Ego,” by Tim Eaton
  Buy Her Hand in Marriage at Amazon.com