If someone had told me four years ago that I’d be writing an essay supporting courtship, I would have laughed. Heck, if someone told me four months ago I still would have sincerely doubted it. Nonetheless, in the last few months I have come to realize that courtship is one of the most misunderstood movements in American Christianity, and I have become a part of it, at least theoretically.

In order to consider the issue at all, one must put aside any preconceived notions about dating, courting, or any other alternative methods for meeting and securing a future mate. We often err as Christians by choosing a course of action and trying to validate it with a Bible verse or two. Instead of thinking in terms of these modern structures, we must start with a foundation in Scripture and work towards the proper practice.

The Biblical model for marriage is that in which the woman stays under her parents’ roof until her father decides she is ready to marry and a suitable mate comes along. The man, on the other hand, typically waits until he is well established to begin the process of finding a wife. We see this time and again in Scripture, both in the Old Testament and the New. What we don’t see is a man going around, intending to lead on several godly women until he decides which one has the curviest features. Nor do we see women parading several suitors around, figuring out which one has the most charm and charisma.

You know the stories. Abraham’s servant trusted God to lead him to the right woman for Isaac. Rebekah proved herself to be the one and left her father’s house in a whirlwind in order to marry Isaac, whom she had never met. Her parents trusted that God was behind it, and immediately allowed her to go to the Negev and marry him. Mary, mother of Jesus, was betrothed to Joseph when she became pregnant. Betrothal was different from dating, or even engagement. It could only be broken by divorce. Joseph planned on divorcing Mary quietly when he found out she was carrying a child, but he was obedient when an angel came to him in a dream and told him to marry her anyway.

In Biblical times, women married as teenagers. In our day, they marry much later. Extrapolating this model straight from the Bible becomes more complicated. For instance, I’m in college. I don’t live with my parents. Though I am dependent upon them, I don’t speak to them or see them very often. This can complicate matters, but it is not a license to ignore scriptural precedent altogether.

We are intended for one relationship, husband and wife. The Bible clearly demonstrates this. Dating is a series of relationships. Very few people desire or intend to marry the first person they ever date. You go out with someone a few times or for a few months and then you decide that they aren’t for you, so you break up with them and try again. Or, worse yet, they decide you aren’t for them and leave you bitter and heartbroken. No one in the dating game seems to have found a way to avoid this phenomenon completely.

In the best-case scenario, courtship bridges this gap. A father acts as a guide for his daughter, helping her avoid unnecessary heartbreak by shielding her from relationships before she is ready and then serving as an initial contact with young men when she is. A father is not as swayed by flattery and hormones, so he can serve to help his daughter discern if a young man really is the sort of guy she wants to marry before she allows him to pursue her at all. This is clearly closer to the Biblical model than dating.

There are complications, as mentioned before. It’s harder to court someone when they don’t live at home. Fathers can be tyrannical, caring much more about protecting their daughters from the world than providing them with godly husbands they can respect and obey. And some potential suitors might be scared away by the very idea of courtship. But whatever we can do to make Biblical principles real in our times we must embrace and practice. As the keeper of our hearts and the giver of good gifts, God may have just ordained the courtship movement to protect his young sons and daughters and give them a narrow gate by which they can enter marriage without the heartbreak of dating.

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Kristen Knox realizes that she has grossly oversimplified the matter of courtship. She recommends you read Douglas Wilson’s book, Her Hand in Marriage. While she’s recommending, she also recommends you visit In the Shadowlands, her blog.